this is...

after the rain, that’s when the world is the best. after everything has been washed clean. it smells wonderful and it looks fresh and new. aww the rain, it cleanses the soul…

I can tell I’m meant to live either by the sea or in the mountains on mornings like this… I wake up early and it’s all overcast and foggy. it gives me peace and I love to revel in it while I clutch my warm coffee mug and think of what is to come next.

tomorrow…

this is…. this is….. i am comfortably numb right now. i am comfortable. i haven’t done anything all day and yet i feel a sense of calm at this moment. just sitting at the dining table with shay beside me and jessi out on the patio. it is evening and the last of the light is fading away. meatloaf cooks in the oven and the smell warms my soul…. maybe the combination of my sisters, my wine, and the smell of the meatloaf makes me feel at ease. i think it brings m back to a time when life was less complicated, simple, easier. where i felt like i could just live, really live, and not have all this bullshit i have to keep up with and get done each day. i really miss those days, but alas, time marches on…. but its funny how in all the tumult of my life right now, at this moment i feel completely at ease… weird like that. life is funny. one minute you think this is happening in your life and then the next it has no place in your life. strange, but necessary… think ill have another glass of wine….

rainy night

im changing into someone i dont know…. someone i thought id never be. Im slipping fast, too fast to see, and i dont mean it to happen. not now, not ever. i am fine how i am, who i am, dont want to change. but i cant control it. it happens before i think, before i move. its like my body and my mind are separate, and my body fights for what it wants. my body has been winning lately and i cannot allow that to happen any more. i must be stronger, deny my body’s passion and reaffirm my wills intention. i must try harder and not slip up, i want to be the person i say i am, not the fool i can sometimes be. im sorry for the things i’ve done, passions crimes have been committed. mistakes have been made but they’re in the past. i will stay strong to my beliefs and thoughts instead of fall pray to my feelings.

sleepiness…. and other oddities

I don’t feel right with the world tonight. I feel cut off, segregated, like I’m in my own little bubble. Most of the time I like this, but not tonight. It makes me feel alone, small, unimportant. I must confess that in all actuality I feel this way almost more often than not, but most times it is in a good way and I am content with it. Tonight however, I am not. I restlessly readjust and squirm in my chair, any chance presented to me I take to get off topic and further procrastinate doing my homework (which by the way is bullshit and I can’t find shit on it anyway). But I still feel small and alone. I want to step out into the world and experience it to the fullest extent, I feel like I am always waiting till I can truly live my life or start it. It is frustrating and I am starting to doubt if it will ever happen. I hope so…. I really damn fucking hope so, or else I am royally fucked!!! I can’t wait till I’m in the big city again, and I can try things I’ve never attempted before and see what my passions are and what I’m good at. I can’t wait for this. I know it will come, sooner than later I think for I’m planning on it coming in march. For now I will be small and sedentary, but soon I will be big and full of life again.

……..

I’m that girl that flits between the worlds, of you and everyone else. I am always in motion and I never quite fit into any one category. I am slipping from room to room, never sure where I am. You see me adapt, you see me fit in. But then in the next moment I am gone, I have changed and I’m moving again. I’m constantly alone but I seem surrounded, I play the part even though it’s just for a moment. I have no home and I’m subtle and slight. I’m the one you see is there but then a moment later I fade into the background and out of sight. I’m on your mind for a minute then you’ll forget who I was. I’m always there and never there, together and separate all at once.

I don’t know if I’m ever gonna make it…… but at least I have you!!

For a minute there I lost myself….